in honor of slim thugga

in honor of slim thug (http://www.vibe.com/posts/slim-thug-black-women-need-stand-their-man-more), i decided to join in on the discussion of how black women can get and keep a man. my white side can't vouch for the usefulness or validity of my suggestions, but my black side decided to post them anyway. so let the shade begin!

5 Ways to Catch a (Black) Man

Ladies, let us break it down for you. According to a recent Oprah show, 70% of all Black women are single. And if Oprah said it, girl you know it’s true! But before you go ring the alarm, remember that the staff here at Cosmopolitan: The Minority Report has got your back. Behold our top 5 ways to scratch your way out of the singledom and slide right into black wedded bliss. You’re sure to snatch up your IBM—ideal brotha man—in no time (as long as he’s not already married to a White woman)!

1) Dumb It Down: Only 37% of Black men nationwide are enrolled in college and almost 50% are high school dropouts. The classroom is clearly not the place to snatch up a brother, so why are you there? Limit your education ladies! After all, no man wants a woman who is smarter than he is.

If it is already too late to retreat from your quest for knowledge, don’t lose hope. Just don’t talk about school! Nothing will undermine a man’s ego and flatten his interest like discussing how you spent your junior year in New Zealand studying aboriginal cultures or wrote your senior thesis about nuclear accelerators. Go ahead: seal those full lips, bat those long eyelashes, and giggle yourself right into a marriage proposal.

2) Buy a Thong: Video vixens and ass—Black men’s two favorite things. What do the two share? Thongs. “Nothing is sexier than a women in a thong,” said Mike, a 25 year-old garbage man. “Just the wiggle of free cheeks, the way they jiggle when she walks. It gets me every time.”
Now Black men love all revealing lingerie, but lingerie that puts you biggest asset on display? That’s the real man-catcher. Next time you’re at the mall, pick up that lacy thong or gold lamé G-string. Slap it on, shake it fast, and show your man. He’ll so overjoyed that he may want to wake up next to that booty...for the rest of his life.

3) Get Rich and Buy a Man: Oprah. Star Jones. Tyra. What do all these sisters have in common? Stacks of money and beautiful Black men. Now we are not saying that money can buy you love. But the brand new Beemer, Benz or Bentley that you buy your boyfriend for birthday might make him more inclined to meet you at the alter. Brothers want to be financially stable just like we do, so why not be his economic rock? Put money in his pocket, pay off his student loans, and take care of his back child support payments. His credit score will skyrocket—along with his love for you!


4) Become A Prison Pen Pal: 16 percent of all Black men between the ages of 20-29 were in jail or on parole in 1995. A sixth of all African American men were in prison in 2001. 30% of Black men born in the US are expected to go to prison at least once in their lifetimes. We’ve all heard the abysmal statistics about brothers in prison, but pause before you go lamenting the fate of the Black race—prison can be a great place to start a manhunt!

Prison relationships are a great way to make intimate connections with men away from the dating rat race. Most inmates will not come in contact with a woman for years, so not only will your jailbird be starving for your affection, but you can finally banish all those worries about fighting off conniving white women and pretty young things. Your bad boy will be all yours.

And just because he’s locked down doesn’t meant that you have to be! Whether you want your Black man deep and dark or sweet and light, prison can be your favorite chocolate shop. Not ready for capital murderers? Move down to the armed robbers. Afraid he’ll steal your stuff? Migrate to the drunk drivers. Turned off by his blatant disregard for human life? Jump on the tax evaders. Prisons are huge warehouses chock full of fit brown brothers, so why not shop away!

So girl, go ahead and lavish that brother in prison with a little of your lady love. Send him a picture. Answer his collect call. FedEx him a pack of cigarettes and the new Drake album. We promise that he’ll be yours at least until the end of his sentence.

5) Jump on the Next Man Who Hollers at You On the Street.
Don’t ask questions. Just traipse on over to the passenger side window and hand him your number. Not interested? Well, that’s why you’re alone in the first place.

We know you have other choices. Match.com, Craigslist, giving up on black men all together—all are viable options for fierce, fine sisters like yourself. But who actually has time for all that? Use our tips and we promise you’ll never spend another night alone drinking Alizé and watching Waiting to Exhale on repeat. You’ll be too busy getting ready for a date with your new Nubian prince!

(Or becoming a lesbian. Whatever’s clever.)


note: i wrote this for a freshman year writing seminar and reworked it for this post. so forgive me if some of the references are elderly. i was still fond of them.

note note: the recommendations above are jokes. i know that not all black men want uneducated women, are incarcerated, have bad credit, love ass, et cetera et cetera. because unlike slim thug, i do believe that kind, loving, successful black men still exist.

note note note: letoya luckett is probably somewhere holding herself and laughing after all this.